Demons? Maybe I need to eat red meat again...

I sit here. I breathe. I see the swirls of worry like greasy smoke at the corners of my vision, black, like dementors ready to suck my life force. I listen to what the woman tells me this morning, and I know it already. I hear it. Yes yes and more yes. I listen to what the other woman tells me this morning and panic starts to sour my stomach. I become afraid of what she tells me I already know. I'm afraid to pull aside the curtain and see the little man maneuvering the knobs around, speaking into the microphone. "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN..."

So the question now becomes: whom do I choose to pay attention to? The man or the Big Voice? Reality or what I want to see? What I know or what I tell myself I want. I don't know. I don't believe in the concept of demons or hell or evil blah blah blah. I think everything is on a continuum of light, no matter how dark it may seem. But if there WAS such a thing as demons or evil, it would be this worry.

I worry about my kids, I worry about the house, and my dad, and my friends. I even worry about my dog! I know, I KNOW - it doesn't help to worry. It leads to anxiety, which is another form of the demon of lower light. Yes yes and more yes. I know that. I realize that. Now what to do? What's the next step to move inaction into action? What gets us off our butts, off the proverbial couch and into movement? I don't know. I think I'm doing everything 'right' (aside from that whole Missoni incident of 9.14). I'm still not eating red meat or pork, but I've lost my light. Maybe I left it on too long to show others the way that my battery's gone dead. I don't know. I've lost myself somewhere along the line, and the woman this morning says that's the intent. Dim the light of the Bright Ones. Well, it's working, I say in a singsong, silly voice.

Do I want everything to just be magically 'better'? And what does that even mean? Of course I do, on the one hand - doesn't everybody wish for that? But practically speaking, of course not - it's not realistic. Only WE create the change in our own lives, then it impacts everyone around us. And I AM doing that. I am. Every day. Every moment. But I'm tired right now. Gosh - I bet if I picked up one my journals anywhere from the last 30 years you'd read the same thing. So what can we do that's new? Fresh?

Hmmm... go for a walk? Meditate? Stretch? Done that done that done that. Breathe? Do that. Let go of the illusion of control? Work in progress. What do I think of the demons, and how can I make friends with them? Be the Light, I hear my small, still voice say. Be the Light. So I get up, search for the batteries so I can recharge and shine again. Maybe this time I'll remember to shine a little of that Light onto my own life for a while. It's kind of dark in here right now.