"That's great, Dad!" I brightly say.
Beautiful tomatoes, corn, carrots, potatoes and beets. And two beautiful huge t-bone steaks, ready to broil in the oven. I look at Shirley. She knows about the whole no cow thing. I think she's wondering if I'll cave in and eat steak with my dad. I could. I only promised to go one week, and it's been over a month. And I kind of wanted to, I won't lie. But when I looked at the steak and asked myself if I honestly wanted to eat it... I still kind of wanted to eat it. But I decided to not. I went to the fridge and looked around. Three slices of organic deli turkey. Mkay. Not organic t-bone, rare, chew the bone like a dog kind of meat, but doable. I'm lessening my animal protein, but I still find myself really ravenous and craving substantial food sometimes at night. Okay, I'm almost always ravenous these days, and I'd heard that not eating red meat would make you lose weight, but I am most definitely NOT losing any weight. Sigh.
I quietly put the turkey on my plate and Dad cut the steak and I put some on Shirley's plate and some on his. If he noticed I wasn't eating any he didn't say anything. It's no big deal, but for the first time I worried that I may offend someone by not eating what they'd cooked. It's my dad, for crying out loud. I love my dad more than anything in this world, and he's a perfect eater! All organic fruits and vegetables and salmon and nuts and yogurt and stuff. He's almost 89 and in perfect health. He's amazing. So when he's eating the steak, I remember his famous life motto: everything in moderation, and I'm thinking about my whole no animal protein thing I'm leaning toward.
I used to love eggs, and now I haven't eaten one in two weeks. I only eat chicken and turkey now, and only a few meals a week. Mostly beans. I need to learn how to cook them ungassey, I think. And up to 15 fruits and vegetables a day - it's astounding to me! And THAT all feels good. It's just this feeling that came up of "you mean I can NEVER eat any of this stuff again? What if I WANT to?" And I think I'm just going to have to keep working with that as I go, dealing with it as it comes up, staying curious and open and flexible about it. Making choices day by day, one step at a time. Let go and let god? Hmmmm... maybe that's the alcoholic's motto, I'm not sure. Maybe they're interchangeable. I wonder what's for dinner? There's leftover corn, stir fry purple cabbage and organic chicken and rice, Bill's potatoes and some organic lettuce for salad. Yes, that will do. Again and again.
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