Stirring the Pot, but no soup for me!

The restlessness came from nowhere. The anger, the frustration, even the feeling of paralyzation, all at once. I can't run to shopping anymore, so I'm stuck. Or not stuck. I kind of don't appreciate any of this. I felt like running this morning, and I don't mean the strap-on-your-shoes-and-take-off kind of running. I mean the get-out-of-here-because-it-feels-uncomfortable kind of running, only there's nowhere to run. So cleaned out my closet. But what I want to say is that I don't know what will happen when I get to Bismarck and have to clean out that house. What's the problem? Everything I will be doing would've had to have been done anyway, it's just that the whole pot/house got stirred up, and everything is in disarray. Interestingly, the things I found most important are safely esconced here in a climate-controlled storage unit. So theoretically I could just haul a dumpster to the driveway and scoop everything into it, right? Only everything is mooshed together. I just don't know.

What would I wish for in my life right now? A clearing, some simplicity, some open breathing space that isn't about cleaning or clutter or clearing. I just want to be 'there', in that place where everything is settled and calm. I've got the makings for it. We're eating 100% healthy now, I'm not spending any unnecessary money, I'm thinking before I spend, sitting with what I have, still malleable and open to change. Will anything REALLY change? When will that tide begin to turn? Is this normal? Am I normal? Will I ever stop asking questions?

I saw an old friend this afternoon and she asked what I was doing. I told her I was going to Bismarck to settle the house, starting a new radio show, writing my blog, teaching a memoirs class, and working on a cookbook. She laughed and said, "Man, you are just never a dull person, are you?" and I laughed, because I was feeling kind of bored and unproductive, like I should be doing MORE. I feel like I'm totally taking a break. THIS is the thing - I think I may be the one stirring my own pot, I'm not sure. I have to check some more variables, but if that's true, then I'm the only one that can do anything to change anything, right? Hmmm... this is all very interesting to me. I think I'll go clean out my library and see if any more insights come to me while I'm looking through old books.

Eclectic

Melissa's fabulous. No, more than fabulous. She's amazing! This new best friend. I just knew it from the second I met her - this is someone I'm going to be friends with. She's a professional organizer (yikes Mikes!), and the first time she came over to the house I was more than a little self-conscious as to how she'd see it.

"Well," I said, "What do you think?"

"Eclectic," she tactfully said.

That's not the first time I've heard that. Carolyn said that, as well. I think that's code for something. Messy, maybe. Junky? Maybe. None of our furniture matches, and the paintings range from an amazing Star Wallowing Bull over our mantle to an Ace Powell right next to it. Burgundy Persian rugs and rust colored flowered easy chairs. Hmm...eclectic.

"What should we DO?" I dramatically asked my sweet husband, my arm flung over my forehead, me draped over the side of the chair. "I love all my stuff."

"Honey," he said, "It's who you ARE. Every time you throw something out it leaves a hole in our house, then you just go out and buy something to replace the hole with."

I look at our library. I love that room. It's got built-in bookshelves on two walls that are filled with antique books, reference books, fiction, non-fiction, spirituality, children's - yes, they're categorized. It houses my beautiful cello, Celeste (yes, I named my cello - so what), and our baby grand piano, Sophie, our beautiful 200 year old plant (yes, I named my plant - so what), my mom's antique doll collection, Dad's army hat, my Athlete of the Year basketball award, Steve's Shriner's hat, and a Turner sculpture. If someone were to tell me to get rid of half of everything in that room I would start crying. I love everything I've got.

Maybe the key is breathing into what I've got and not buying anything MORE. Is that a hoarder's justification? Maybe I need to strong arm myself and give away 50 things I cherish, just to make myself detach from things. Maybe I need Melissa to roll up her sleeves and get in here and show me how it's done, really done, not this pansy butt giving away a pair of shorts here, a pair of shoes there.

I walked out to the garage today, ready to tackle no-man's land. I'll give my french horn away to the high school, get the Underwood typewriter fixed so I can type on it (how cool would THAT be? Pretty cool), throw out 6 of the 9 tennis rackets, 7 of the 10 baseball gloves (I'm not joking). I can do this. I walk out, start moving stuff around. There's a pile of garbage in the corner where the paint is peeling off the wall from the leak 10 years ago. I don't know what to do. I sigh, turn around and walk back into the house.

Sometimes I feel paralyzed. Okay, a lot of the time I feel paralyzed, and I wonder if my achy knees is symbolic for my inability to move out of this energetic stuff muck. I think so. I think I am painfully awake now that I have stopped eating cows and pigs, have stopped spending money on unnecessary things, and have actually looked at my life. We need to move. That would fix everything. No, it wouldn't. I think I'm stuck with myself. What to do? Uhm, go eat some organic chocolate, I think. That will help. Really? No. Just kidding. It won't help. I'll go finish reading "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" - that will put my life into perspective, I think. Then maybe I'll go force my 11 year old to practice his violin for 6 hours. Hah. Just kidding. Man, what a riot this life is. I can hardly wait to see what tomorrow brings. I'm sure it will continue to be a laugh a minute.

Let's Get Ethical

Why does anyone become a vegetarian? I imagine there are as many reasons as vegetarians. Why did I choose to give up red meat and pork? It was an energy thing, an experiment, I was curious. Was it an ethical thing? Okay, maybe. I will tell you a story. I hope you don't think I'm odd, but chances are it's already gone way beyond that by now.

I was standing at my stove stirring hamburger. I think it was in 1998. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, just looking down at the skillet. Then I heard it. A moo. Inside my head. That's it. It barely registered at the time. What did that have to do with me cooking hamburger? How far removed I was from the whole butchering process that I spaced out the source of my dinner? That's probably WHY we can do it, maybe. Eat meat. It's sterile, hygienic, detached, separate. We don't SEE the live cow, or see the butchering process, see the stockyards, see the terror in the cows, see the whole hamburgerizing. I wanted to type more details, but my stomach started turning just hearing the words forming in my head, so I won't type more. I'm assuming everyone knows where hamburger comes from.

So that one incident was significant for me, because for the first time I really chose to put two and two together and I got a cow. A live cow. That mooed in my head. I still ate the hamburger, and it became easy to just go back to sleep. But not much anymore. I fear I am waking up with a vengeance, but I think I'm also becoming aware of subtle shades of gray beyond the usual black or white. What are the shades? Well, here are some.

It is true that we eat animals. We have always eaten animals, for thousands of years. We can hunt them, fish them, gut them ourselves, clean them, cook them, give thanks for our abundance of riches in the form of food for our bellies. We can raise them humanely on small farms, letting them roam free, feeding them good food, giving them room. We can only eat meat on special occasions, not as an every meal option. We can still be very healthy and eat moderate amounts of animal protein, I think, if it is organic, low-fat, and raised in a healthy way. It is becoming more evident, I think, that raising things (any things) in crowded conditions leads to disease and illness. E coli from not only beef, but spinach and sprouts.

I don't like all or nothing of anything. I really don't. The rebel in me wants to be free to do whatever I want to do. And I want to decide what I want to do, I don't want anyone else telling me what to do. Sure, maybe it's immature - it's just the way I am. How can I make good, healthy decisions for myself if everyone is yelling at me that they know what's best for me, for the rest of the world? I think that's crap - we have to be stewards of our own bodies and our own lives. We must be allowed to make decisions for ourselves, within the confines of society, of course, but otherwise we become puppets and remain emotionally dependent children for the rest of our lives.

I can feel the future of the world, and it is this: hubs of locally grown produce and meat, available to the general public within a 100 mile radius. If everyone could do this, there would be enough for everyone, and everyone could get what they wanted without having to get something from Chile or Brazil. Okay, I might not be able to get pineapples or oranges, it IS North Dakota, after all, but we could figure that out. It's probably a good idea to cut down on this nation's consumption of animal protein, anyway, so the demand would drop and the huge megafarms of Tyson would lose their footing. We'd get to know our neighbors as we trade and barter goods (another wave of the future), and we'd get more connected to our world. We should probably do away with fast food because there's not much good I can see that comes from it. Hey - family dinners! Home cooking! Dinner parties with friends!

There are so many choices and options and things to think about when it comes to changing lifestyles and making conscious decisions about how to live a full, rich life that doesn't involve sprinting and gulping and sugaring and chemicalling ourselves to death. There's just no need. That era is over. This is a good time for gentleness, ethics, and moral decisions based on what might be good for everybody, not just me, or you, or you. Yes, I've decided no more cows or pigs, and eggs are mysteriously falling by the wayside as well, and for me that's a really good thing. Do I ever judge someone else's choices? No, I don't. You do what you need to do - see how it works for you, see how you feel, see how good your health is, and if you think you'd like to do something different, maybe even call me to go out for some coffee. I'd love to talk with you about it. Oh - you don't drink coffee? How is that going for you? I can't seem to stop.

Oh brother, Mother

I've been a mother for almost 26 years now. When I was a child, I thought there were three types of people: men, women, and mothers. I honestly thought they were a different species, void of feeling, needs, opinions. I thought they lived to serve us children. I have always wanted children, since I was 7 years old. I love my kids. They have my whole heart. I think about them, worry about them, care for them, take care of them, love them, laugh with them, praise them.

I dropped my 11 year old off today at middle school. As he slammed the door and walked confidently toward the door, I felt my eyes tear up and breathed in the emotion instead of laughing it away. It surprised me, this reaction. After all, he'd bee in school for 5 years already, it wasn't like this was NEW. But I decided to follow the thread of my feelings as I drove away. I felt a big hole open in the middle of my body, and felt a rush of air as my whole life flew through me. I felt myself as a young child, then a teenager, then as a young mother, to now, and on to being a grandmother, growing old, then dying.

I felt as if I were falling as I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to hang on. I stayed with the feeling all the way home, but immediately after slamming the garage door felt a HUGE pull to go to my computer and buy everything I could see. I DESERVE that Chanel 2.55 bag, I NEED that beautiful leather couch for our house in Bismarck, I NEED that fire pit in the backyard - I'll call the concrete guy today. The hole in my stomach opened wider and I looked down into the abyss and saw no end. So I decided just to sit with it all.

"Hello, body - sup?"

"Uhm, uncomfortable here - duh..."

"What is it that you need? I see that you're in some pain. I want to help."

"Well, I would like to get outside in the green and the breezes. And I would like to stretch. Oh, and while we're at it, I'd like to lift some weights."

So I snapped the leash onto my wild child puppy and headed outside. I matched my stride as much as possible to my wiry dog and followed my breath - in out in out. I looked up at the sky, up at the trees, not down at my feet. They know what they're doing. Is this getting any easier, this not spending money? Well, it's easier to not eat cows or pigs, I'll tell you that, although there WAS that perilous bacon temptation moment a few days ago.

I wonder if this is changing my life, really, or if I'm just deluding myself again, pretending to do some oh so cool stuff. I look around my house. It's still messy. But at least I'm not bringing anything NEW into it, and my credit card balances aren't going UP anymore. So if the water isn't totally stopped, at least it isn't overflowing anymore. That's something.

I stir my lentil curry soup and let the smell of onion and garlic soak into my consciousness. I slice the artisan whole grain bread and place the warm slabs on each of our plates. I cut the local watermelon into three big slices and put them on the table. I am so rich, I think, this life of mine. Full of abundance. I have three beautiful children, a beautiful husband, a beautiful home, beautiful Work, beautiful clothes, a beautiful backyard, beautiful health, beautiful beautiful. Do I like this new life? Do I like me? Do I even like being with me in this 100% way? These are questions I'll have to keep asking, but I DO know one thing for sure: I really don't want to eat cows or pigs anymore. As for the rest of it - we'll just have to see.

Sweet Surrender

Surrender. Let silence have you. And if you find you are still swimming on the surface of the ocean, let go and sink into the depths of love. ♥ ~~

–Kar Kirpa Sahib

My enlightened friend Juliet posted this on Facebook today, and I thought (as I think 100 times a day), "What a coincidence! I was JUST thinking about this!" (see previous blog post from two days ago). All about going deep not wide, sinking into my life instead of hydroplaning on the surface. Am I silent? I pull out my fuschia yoga mat and turn on my 101 Yoga Poses on my iPhone. Standing tall (do I have a choice?) with my hands in front me, palms together, elbows up, I take a few deep breaths and look out the window at the wind blowing through the leaves of our silver maple in our backyard. I become the tree, rooted, deep, letting the wind of life move through my branches, moving me but not breaking me. I think, 'is this corny?' I don't know, but it makes sense. I put my focus in my belly, my trunk, and breathe my energy deep down through the bottoms of my feet. I'm not the most grounded person I know. Hah. Understatement much? That is my desire - to be connected not only deeply to the earth, but to every single other being in this whole Universe, every 'thing', every particle, molecule. Why? Because I believe we ARE all One - we are made up of that same 'thing' whatever that is - that golden sparkle of Divinity, maybe? I don't know what it IS, really, I just know I feel it and believe it.

So if that's true, then there IS no separation, anywhere, anytime. If I'm angry at THAT person, I'm angry at something in myself. I feel my reality shifting and my brain pulls and stretches with the possibilities. There's no one out there. There's just me and a kazillion googleplex of mirrors of me reflecting me back to me. And you back to you. Ow - my brain is stretching again, so I step back from my soaring reflections and feel myself present in this moment. I feel the fullness of my being, the richness, the honor of being able to inhabit this beautiful, healthy body. Our bodies are temples of our souls? Is that biblical? It has new meaning for me.

I have said many times that I give up. People have asked me that what means, and I answer, "I don't know." It usually means life has become too frenetic, too stressful, too much, and I want it to change. But that's not surrender. Surrender isn't the white flag that says I give up, but the peace flag that says, "I am here fully and I understand." I stop my pushing, my conniving, plotting, planning. I stop my bullshit and my judging, my justifying and my explanations. Just stop it. Close my eyes, lean back, and just fall into the warm waters of surrender. Let them carry me downstream to the Ocean. No more fighting. There was never anything to fight about in the first place. I made it all up. I thought it was real. It isn't. THIS is real. The wind through the trees, my breath through my nose, my toes wriggling off the end of the chair, the smile on my face. The rest? Fluff and stuff. I want real. That's all.

swing swing swingety swing

I bend over my toddler and lock my hands beneath her knees, then lift her up. I start swinging her back and forth, singing, "Swing swing swingety swing." Such fun to have a makeshift swing, anywhere, any time! Back and forth, feel the air on your face, your tummy lurch just a little as you switch positions from one extreme to the other.

Life is my mother bending over me, her hands locking beneath my knees. I feel myself lifted off the ground, and feel the movement in my days as I swing back and forth. Sometimes I'm nauseous, sometimes motion sick, sometimes altitude sick. Sometimes just confused. There are so many options. There are so many things to think, things to do, things to feel, friends to talk to, dishes to be washed, surfaces to be dusted. I sit here in my chair, doing nothing. Well, I'm thinking. That is not always a good thing.

I take a breath. As I continue to sink deeper into my life, I'm slowed down enough to actually look around at the seaweed, little shells, fish swimming by or just lounging in front me, tails lazily treading. I can see the murky green little bits floating in the water, if I squint I can see parts of the sandy bottom, and shadows darting through the weeds. I don't like the shadows. I can't see what they are.

I like to KNOW things. That is where being an intuitive comes in quite handy. But sometimes we just don't know. So we search for answers in our outside world to explain everything. I think we are at a point in our evolution where most things just CAN'T be explained or understood on the outside. They have to be felt and experienced from the INSIDE.

I just don't know. I understand more of why I seek distraction. Life is messy. It's not clear cut. I like rewards, treats, breaks, distractions, disconnects. Only not so much anymore, because I've chosen clarity, simplicity, stripping away the clutter to uncover what's underneath. So far I still don't know what's underneath; I seem to be still in the process of stripping down to the basics. It still feels like a lot of 'stuff', physically, mentally, emotionally. Spiritually I'm good. That's always been easy for me. It's the life living stuff that's more difficult. I don't always 'get' it. Why isn't everything easy? Why isn't everybody nice to everyone else? Why can't we all take responsibility for our happiness and our well-being? Why do people blame others for their unhappiness? I feel my consciousness dive deeper as I hold my breath for the long plunge ahead. I keep thinking I will get to the bottom of it all some day, but I think perhaps there is no bottom - just more swimming deep.

Swing swing. Back and forth. I need to just sit for a moment, clear my head. Man, it's a mess in there sometimes, even without the cows and pigs and sugar and handbags. A friend once told me my mind is a raging river, never stopping. I don't know if that's a compliment or an exhausted observation. Maybe both. I breathe. I sit. I observe. Even if I'm swinging, I can be in the present moment, experiencing the swinging sensations, feeling the wind through my hair, the blur of my life as it flies back and forth in front of my vision. Swinging isn't necessarily bad - maybe it's more of a figuring where you want to be in the moment, looking at different places, enjoying the ride.

Sinking In

My feet are in the warm foot cleanse water, I have 10 minutes left. I close my eyes, sit up straight, put my hands, palms up, on my thighs, and take a few deep breaths. I open my eyes a little and focus on a spot about three feet in front of me. Out of the corner of my eye I see a light yellow butterfly (moth?) flit in front of the window, a crazy swirly pattern, then disappear. I start to compose my blog entry as I sit. Stop. Sit. Breathe. I'm so good to be sitting here, just sitting here. See how good this is when I can just slow down? Stop. Sit. Just breathe.

Slowing down to the speed of life. It is SO not easy for me. 51 years of marathon sprinting to an invisible finish line, acquiring mounds of things that were never enough, focusing on my outside world so that I am hydroplaning my life, skimming along the thin top layer. When I am like that I can't feel my life beneath me and one false move and I can swerve out of control. I HAVE swerved out of control several times, all the time, really. Until now. These past few weeks have become very important to me. I forgot that I was only going to give up red meat for one week, and it's been three already. I forgot to eat any animal protein yesterday; I just didn't want to.

I still struggle with not looking at catalogs or going online; I'm not going to lie to you. Hubby found a dog-eared Nordstrom catalog in the bathroom. Guilty. But I haven't bought anything. I am an addict, I think. I just have to keep going cold turkey. Don't open the catalogs at all. Don't go online. Don't daydream about the next thing that will REALLY make me happy, for REAL this time! I think this deep life is the real deal, and while I casually wonder why I've been avoiding it for so long, I remember a counseling session I had several years ago. My therapist asked me who I would be if I wasn't doing something. "Dead," I said. But 'doing' is overrated, I think, and I'm tired. I like 'being' - it's a still pond with green waterlilies and floating loons. It's a slight breeze rippling the surface and the reflections of pine trees. It's the crackle of the deer through the forest and the breath of the hiding rabbit. I breathe deeply and sink in further.

water in the boat - time to bail!

I'm feeling whelmed these days. Yes, it's a word. I wondered one day: if you can be underwhelmed or overwhelmed, can you be whelmed? It actually means the same as overwhelmed, which means the boat comes up the side of the boat and over the top. What are these feelings? They are good. Opening up a package from my sweet friend Tami and finding a beautiful picture frame and kitchen magnet that says "kissed on both cheeks" and finding myself moved by her generosity and friendship. I take a deep breath and let the feeling overtake me. Sitting on the couch, hearing my dear son in the next room talking to a friend, I breathe and just sit listening to him, loving him so much my heart starts to hurt.

I am present. I am not distracted these days. Not looking at catalogues or websites (okay, I will not lie - Garnet Hill has this ADORABLE little rosette dress that I desperately want, so I snuck a quick peek at it today for one minute but didn't buy it) has shifted my energy from being so outward acquisition-oriented to more inner focused. I could feel myself shifting outward again when I looked at that dress and daydreamed about what boots I'd wear with it, where I would wear it, how everyone would say how cute I looked. This is a drug - this is brainwashing, I think - this materialism. It is deceptive and devious, lulling us with promises of happiness that are vapid and shallow and ultimately meaningless. It sucks the hours out of my days, the energy from my being. I sound dramatic but I think it's true.

I give myself one minute on Garnet Hill then snap off without going further. At least it's a step. It's like alcoholism, I think. You think you can take just one sip and it will be okay, you can stop, but I think it's hard to stop unless you just don't start again. I don't need that dress. I need my son. I need my friends. I need to sit quietly and do my yoga (101 Yoga Poses on my iPhone = dreamy!). I need to dig out my sports bra and yoga pants and go to Zumba at the Y on Monday. We already belong - it won't cost me any more money!

How much is free in this world? So much the water is flowing over my edges again. There's not enough time for everything as it is - why bother with the costly things - go for the FREE! I think that is my new motto - I'm going to write it up and stick it on our bathroom mirror and hope Hubby doesn't think I'm too goofy. I'm going to keep walking my wild child puppy and enjoy watching her climb trees to scare the squirrels. I'm going to keep baking fresh peach cobbler and I'm going to keep going to the library to read my library books (after I finish reading every book in my personal library). I'm going to find the free and do it. Bike riding, playing my cello, writing with my son, holding hands with my husband.

It IS whelming, but it's all so very very good and I want these things in my life. As I drop the cows and pigs, moving toward dropping other animals out of my diet, and as I drop the balances from my credit cards I leave room for other thoughts, other feelings, other energies and options for my life. Maybe this is what I've been missing my whole life - going deep not wide. Going real not fake. I can feel it. I really can. I'm going for the FREE!

No Cows No Pigs No Birthday Presents

It's my birthday today. I told my husband I don't want any presents or cake or anything. They all just cost money. But I AM having a rooftop party at a local spectacular bar, but it's a free-for-all so I'm not paying for everything. It seemed easier that way. Someone accused me of being a martyr for not wanting any presents or cake, but I'm not. I really don't want my husband spending any money on me. I don't need anything, nor do I want anything. Really. Really really.

In fact, for my birthday, if he offered to go through the garage and get rid of all the extra junk, THAT would be the most excellent birthday gift of all, don't you think? Let's throw out this broken clock - happy birthday, honey! And there goes that gloppy 10 year old bottle of motor oil! I'm so glad you were born! And now I'm sweeping it all out - isn't life wonderful? Wow - I'm changing. I really am. How did I get these new eyes that make me crave asparagus so much? Who is this new woman who actually sits and breathes instead of looking at the new dress Talbot's is selling? Okay, I cannot lie - I did sneak ONE little peek at the dress just now - it isn't even that cute. Hey - at least I told you about it.

Having spent those last three days with my dear daughter and son-in-law in Minneapolis really helped me see a lot of things with new eyes. One thing is that their sweet apartment can't hold too much stuff, so everything they have is perfect and beautiful and fits their lives. It's all compact and loved and used. Can I even begin to say that for many of the things in our house? Probably not. Also, sitting beside my daughter, petting her hair when she was in pain, just looking into her face, I was able to breathe and just be present, knowing that THIS is what life is all about. Love, spending time with those we love, supporting, nurturing, tending, talking, laughing. None of those 'things' are things. They are the energy of love. I might say I love coffee, or chocolate, or Lyle Lovett, or my mom's antique doll collection that sits in my library, but they are all things, and will all be gone someday (except Lyle Lovett - he is eternal), so as I feel my priorities continue to shift, I am confident that they are shifting to the more solid ground of the fluid.

And the best birthday present of all? Just being alive. Really really.

I Got Zippo

I've been here in Minneapolis since Sunday, coming to help my precious daughter with her knee surgery. I packed my orange Zippo bag with everything I'd need for 4 days - two cardigans, one scarf, one skirt, my jeggings, my tights, some shirts and socks and other 'stuff'. I packed an extra pair of earrings, my two other favorite rings, and that was it.

As I sit here typing I had this fantasy thought (I do that a lot) of what it would be like to ONLY own these things that fit in my orange bag. That's it. No paintings, no books, no crap, no dishes no CDs no nothing. Just this. Just me. I felt lighter. Happier. I remembered when I was going through my divorce and I moved the kids into a small two bedroom apartment overlooking Island Park. I'd left with nearly just the clothes off my back, so there wasn't much in the apartment, anyway. What do I remember about those 6 months? It only took 1/2 hour to clean the WHOLE apartment. I estimate that to thoroughly clean our whole house would take at least 9 hours. Does that mean we own 18 times as much stuff as before, in a house 18 times bigger? Most likely, and add the huge backyard and garage and we're on our way to overload in a hurry.

No wonder I'm thinking about stuff lately; about too much stuff lately. And I DO think too much, too, so I'm sure it's all related. Am I still off cows and pigs? Heck yeah. I'm hardly eating any animal protein these days and I feel great. Clean, open, lighter. I'm not even craving sugar these days. What will happen when I get home and plop my little Zippo bag on the floor, surrounded by the rest of my larger-than-life life? I don't know, but something is shifting underneath me, and I dearly hope it's the bottom dropping out of my preconceived thought patterns. I can almost hear all my excess baggage whistling through the cracks in my consciousness. I'm excited to see what will happen next. Who will get eliminated in the next round? Stay tuned to find out...

No Lamb No Chicken? Say WHAT?

I've always loved lamb. I call it lamby. I thought lamb was a special kind of animal, just as I thought meat was a special part of the animal, different from muscle. It's just better if you don't know. When I first found out that lamb was a baby sheep, I shuttered. I haven't eaten veal for over 25 years, ever since I found out it was baby cows not allowed to move. It was an ethical thing. My children were raised with that knowledge and I don't think they've ever eaten veal. So I'm a hypocrite. Actually, worse, because baby lambs are CUTER than baby cows, I think. But I'd made the initial commitment only to avoid cows and pigs, so I feel peaceful about eating everything else. I do. I do. I DO!

So when I cooked up the organic lamb burgers, I started getting excited, looking down at the sizzling goodness, smelling that lamb smell, getting out the ketchup, waiting to have a delicious meat-filled dinner of goodness. Only it's not so easy to look at that lamb burger so innocently anymore. Now I KNOW 'things'. I bit into the lamb and felt the lanolin-like grease coat my lips and I felt slightly nauseous. Are you KIDDING me? Give up lamb? Do I have to?

Hubby cooked chicken last night. I have 5 beautiful organic chickens from my best friend Maggie, but they're all in the freezer, so he bought some of those Playboy chickens (absurdly large-breasted) and grilled them up. I cut a small end of one of the breasts and plopped it among my huge pile of vegetables. I took one bite. My teeth slid into the slightly rubbery, well, suffice it to say I politely spit the bite into my napkin and slipped the rest of the piece back onto the serving plate.

I don't know - I don't know - what's next on the chopping block? Turkey? Shrimp? Salmon? Eggs? Cheese? I will be honest with you. I don't know. I don't know what's permanent and what's transitory. I just know that my body is feeling something and I'm doing my best to honor its wishes. I've cut my coffee to half a cup in the morning and started drinking green tea again. I made up a bag full of organic trail mix with brazil nuts, almonds, pecans, dates, raisins and pumpkin seeds.

Okay, just promise me one thing. If you see me wearing a bandanna around my long gray hair, an apron around my overalls, and steel-toed work boots, PLEASE say something to me. I may have gone too far. But maybe not. We'll just have to see. And NO, Shirley, you may NOT have my Louis Vuitton handbags, in case you were wondering. I will be hanging on to those for the time being.

Hi my name is Susie and I'm a __________

Fill in the blank. We've all got something we could probably go to a 12 Step meeting for. Think about it. I just finished reading "Fly Away Home" by Jennifer Weiner - yes, heavy summer reading, but it was (partly) about one daughter who was addicted to drugs and another who was addicted to a man. The one was always the 'good' one who never did anything wrong, so looked down her nose at the drug-addicted sister until she experienced addiction herself. One day at a time. HALT - ask yourself are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? I've long thought we were all addicted to something because we all felt less than whole, and ran toward something we thought could fill us up. It never does, because what we're searching for can't be found in the outside world. But we have to figure that out for ourselves.

I was looking around the house this morning, curious as to how not only stop the money flow OUT of my hands, but also maybe turn it around backwards and get some money for things we don't need and could sell. Seriously, there is so much we could sell on eBay or some monstrously cool garage sale. Seriously.

"You always say you're going to quit spending money, then you stop for a while, then start again."

My husband's words shock me. Hadn't I been doing well these past few weeks? Hadn't I stopped spending money (okay, we're still working on our HuHot issues)? Hadn't I made it clear that THIS time I MEANT it? I have to admit. He has a point. In the past I HAVE always said I wanted to do it, but have always ended up sliding back into the credit card allure of shiny objects. So what makes him think this time I may be doing something different? Well, because I AM. But isn't that what every addict says? Promises that 'this time it will be different?'

I'm in a quandary, then. I told him, "I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, then, and we'll just have to see." Fair enough. But then how do we EVER make changes if nobody trusts us to make positive changes permanent? What if we all continue to see each other's failings without ever believing anything can be different? CAN we make different choices? I don't know - I still am not eating cows or pigs, and it's been a while now. I still haven't looked at any catalogues or e-mails about sales, or websites. I haven't bought anything unnecessary. A day at a time.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

So in every moment I can look at myself and ask myself, "What can I change? What can I do differently?" I can have faith in myself, believing that I'm doing the best that I can, in every moment. I can do something differently tomorrow if I don't like what I did today. I can choose to keep NOT eating cows or pigs. I can choose to NOT spend money. I can choose to be happy with what I've got. I can choose to be happy, period. So that's what I choose. Is it possible to change? Yes, I believe it is, but that change has got to come from the very Source, nothing less will do, so I keep swimming back to Source, trusting that I'll know when I get there, and trusting I'll know what to do next.

Define 'unnecessary'

I'm not spending any more unnecessary money on unnecessary things. So then the next discussion is what constitutes a necessity? An iPhone? That just raised my insurance $5 a month, and my net fees by $30 a month. Hmmmm. Eating at HuHot? 5 times in the last week? But it's GOOD for us, vegetables and all that. Hmm - and $25 a visit - that's $125 just in one week - hardly a necessity.

So while we're at HuHot today (seriously), walking out I saw three ROTC men in uniform just sitting down. I stopped. I thought. When Dad was in the Army he said people always paid for their dinners, they didn't have to pay to send letters (the PO sent them for them free of charge), people gave up their seats on trains. All to thank the boys for their service to their country. So I saw Dad pay for military people's lunches and dinners throughout my childhood, but I'd never done it myself. I paused. Was this considered an unnecessary expense? I don't know. I walked up to the counter and told the woman I wanted to pay for their lunches, and asked her to please tell them an anonymous person did it, and wanted to thank them for everything they're doing for us. She looked really touched and said of course.

I always get tears in my eyes when I do something like that. I don't know why. Maybe it's that whole sacrifice/honor thing. Those ROTC volunteers stayed in Bismarck for two weeks at a time, helping around the clock with the flood stuff, sleeping on the floor at the college, not asking for anything other than just the chance to help. It's a beautiful thing. A kundalini yogi once named me "Princess who lives in constant meditation on devotion to others." Every woman is named "Princess" in case you're wondering, all men are lions, I think. Or something like that. Service to others. That's what we all could do with our lives, right? Wouldn't that be wonderful? Isn't that necessary?

I worked a little bit more on my definitions of necessary and unnecessary, and it seems to me that something that genuinely helps someone else, or affirms them, or shows them respect, is absolutely necessary. Buying another handbag? Definitely unnecessary. Going to HuHot 5 times in one week? I'm afraid that's unnecessary and will have to stop. At least cut back. And the beat goes on.

Holding back the floodwaters

We here in the Red River Valley have certainly seen the awesome force of the Mighty Red, but I have also seen firsthand that same liquid force through the Missouri River in Bismarck/Mandan and beyond. It starts way up in the mountains, or is it the ocean, or somewhere? Then it gathers liquid as it flows, from all different sources and tributaries, growing as it continues its journey until it becomes too much - it starts to overflow its banks and its accepted channels that have been dug for its flow. How much do you need? A lot? Then the banks are steep and the channel deep. Not so much? Then your river is not so wide nor so deep - it doesn't need to hold as much volume of water energy.

But what happens, then, when the volume exceeds what you've planned for, what you can handle, what you need? BAM! Flood Time! I've stopped spending money. I've stopped buying unnecessary things. I've cancelled some online purchases that hadn't been shipped yet, I cancelled my website upgrade and my Lifetime Weight Watcher's membership. I downgraded my Netflix account. Great - I think - I'm so good! But then the dentist's bill comes - $1500! Crap. Then the food I'd ordered from before arrives, along with the vegetable spiraler, and the cardboard boxes are starting to pile up again. That's my sign that I'm buying too much - too many boxes in the garage.

I look at my credit card balances and see temporary authorizations have gone through - I forgot I bought that, I say. Must've really needed it. So even though I've stopped the water flow at the source (hopefully), I feel the energy of consumerism still flowing through my veins and my house and my life. I took some money out of savings to pay off one of my credit cards.

"I love you more than life itself," my sweet husband says to me this morning, "but don't use this money to buy more stuff, okay?" He is THEE kindest man in the entire UNIVERSE. Other men would be like, "Yo - knock that buying crap off - enough already!"

"I'm not buying anything anymore, remember?" I say.

"Good."

I'm not sure if he believes me. I can understand why he'll need to see me transforming for a few more months. I think he's kind of interested that I'm not eating red meat or pork anymore, but it's not affecting him at all, so no worries, anyway. My 11 year old is leaning away from the cow/pig thing, too, which secretly (well, not so secretly - openly) excites me because I think it IS better to not ingest that stuff, and don't even GET me started with the antibiotic/hormone/parasite factors of those meats. We've always strived to eat Lynn Brakke's amazing organic beef, and organic pork when we could find it, but still...

I've set the end of this year for this grand experiment, but I'm already thinking that's not near long enough, and why in the world would I NOT choose this lifestyle permanently? Do we EVER need unnecessary things? Do we ever NEED to eat cows and pigs? Well, I'm still researching the whole B12 thing, but I'll get back to you on that, I promise. In the meantime, I'm so thankful the water didn't damage our river home in Bismarck, just as I'm thankful my life hasn't been damaged by my own over-consumerism. Likewise, my health hasn't been damaged by my carnivore tendencies. For all of that, I am most thankful. I have built the Channel for my life energies, and I watch the waters stay safely in their banks, just as our money is now staying safely in the bank.

Breathing in Spirit

Who has inspired you to great changes in your life? HOW do you get inspired? What inspires you? These are all interesting questions I'm pondering as I move toward more permanent shifts in my life. My sweet friend Paul H. is one such inspiration to me. We met on Facebook. He lives in London and is a FERVENT (is that the correct word, Paul?) vegetarian who has no problems voicing his opinions. He lives his vegetarianism with every breath, and takes it very seriously. This is about saving the planet, saving the starving people, saving our health, saving the sentient beings, and walking more gently upon the earth. Wow. Before I thought it was just about not eating cows or pigs. I think there may be more to it.

I don't know what started it all for me. I posted a question on his wall and it went something like this: do you believe that vegetarians are more enlightened than me because I eat meat? I really wanted to hear his opinion, because many years ago I went through a mental checklist of what I thought constituted spiritual people. They didn't swear, get angry or impatient, had a garden in their backyard, wore Birkenstocks (non-leather?), were vegetarians, didn't smoke, do drugs, drink too much, their kids wore cloth diapers and were most likely home-schooled. And the list went on and on. But through all of that, I realized in the end that everybody is spiritual no matter what they do or don't do. We're all just at different stages in the game, I think. So I was interested to hear what Paul had to say. Again, let me tell you that he has very strong opinions on vegetarianism, and he KNEW I was a meat eater.

He was very gentle, kind, supportive, and encouraging of me to look more closely at a more vegetarian lifestyle. He posted a video of why being a vegetarian is important, and wasn't condescending or critical or judgmental at all. I somehow knew that if I were to attempt this no cow no pig thing, that HE would perhaps be my biggest cheerleader of all, and I wanted him in my camp, because he's a mighty vegetarian warrior!

The word inspiration actually means "to breathe in spirit" and I think we are inspired by countless things daily, even if we don't recognize them. I want to have those eyes to see that in my life. So I realize I am inspired by my crazy wild child dog who just TOTALLY lives in the moment, lives to have fun, and lives to BE. I'm inspired by my son who is always open and loving. I'm inspired by my husband who keeps choosing me, day after day, forgiving, focusing on the positive. I'm inspired by nature and her awesome propensity toward the unpredictable. On and on and on.

I don't feel like eating cows or pigs anymore, and it's almost been two weeks. I don't feel like buying any clothes or jackets or shoes or purses anymore. I feel like paying down my credit cards. I feel like appreciating what I own, and wearing all of my clothes. I feel like just sitting in the sun with my eyes closed, breathing deeply, listening to the crickets in the grass. I feel like breathing in Spirit with my every breath, grateful to be alive, grateful for everything. Full.

Why I SHOULD eat cows and pigs...

I am becoming too dang clear. I'm waking up too much, and in this calming down in my intestinal tract and house, the other factors are now floating up into my awareness. Too many thoughts! Too many feelings! Now I'm understanding why I've kept myself distracted with material things, and why I've kept myself blocked and dense with red meat and pork - it's SO much easier to get through my days! Is this what it's like to be a recovering alcoholic? You drink to fuzz out, forget, distract, then you wake up, sober up, face your life, and you're like, "Whuh? I get to now FEEL my feelings, deal with them, work with them? Uh, no thank you... guzzle guzzle guzzle (or buy buy buy, chew chew chew).

I guess it's all the same, just different. Whether it's alcohol, smoking, pop, drugs, chocolate, shopping, sex, gambling, exercise, internet. An addiction is a distraction, a trying to run away, a filling up of an endless black hole of the illusion of lack. I made a decision, I've stuck with it, and now I'm seeing (for the first time in a long time, maybe forever?) that I've got 'issues'. I love that word - I coined a phrase around it - "I need tissues for my issues" - classic. True. I guess they aren't issues so much as just feelings. Right now I feel shaky inside, very emotional. Seeing my puppy lying there with her little paw stretched out can move me to tears if I look at her long enough - it's so sweet. But instead I take a deep breath and choose to be excited about this new, awake, me. I feel like Neo getting unplugged and feeling the shock of waking up from a lifelong dream. I feel like Alice wandering in Wonderland, I feel superhuman almost, not quite from around here, and no, that is not a new feeling for me. But this is something deeper. I am letting this feeling, this energy, keep dropping into my Core. I have no expectations, I don't even quite know what I'm saying, I'm just going where it all leads, off the same path, away from the orange barrels and road construction and detours. I'm off-road, energetically speaking, and it feels really full to me. Fuller than my closet of shoes, fuller than my hooks of handbags, or my shelves of jackets. Maybe that's what I was trying to duplicate. The fullness of my Being. But you can't get that with material things - as Antoine Ste. du Expery says, "What is essential is invisible to the eye." Thank you, Little Prince. I think I'm beginning to get it now.

I don't want to start eating cows and pigs again. I think I'm going to like being awake.

I forget....

Melissa invited us over for a fire in their backyard. I love parties. I took the bottle of wine I bought for OUR backyard party but didn't drink. We sit around. I drink one small (really) glass of wine. It's all good. I start on a second small (really) glass of wine when Melissa's husband gets there. Fine. But by the time Jill and Hannah get there, I think Ray has poured a third small glass (not sure it was small - really), and we all move down from the deck to the firepit, watching a beautiful sunset, complete with lilac sun shining on the underbelly of the puffy clouds.

The kids have all joined us, and we get the s'more sticks out. I remember roasting the perfect marshmallow - light brown all around, no tiki torch burning (carcinogens, you know). I'm quite sure I tell them I can't remember EATING the s'more but I'm certain it's tasty. They pass around a bowl of chocolate covered blueberries - I take a small handful (really), then I can feel that loose take over my arms and legs and I know I need to stop drinking wine. But Ray holds up another bottle with 1/2 inch of wine on the bottom.

"Oh sure," I say, "just hand it to me."

"Don't you want a glass?" he asks.

"Nah," I say. "Why waste a glass?" and neatly swig the last gulp.

I will say at this point that absolutely everything I laugh at, and say, I would say when I have no wine in me. That's my problem. I say things when I'm SOBER that most people only say when they've been drinking. I think the bigger issue for me is that I have these shame issues - I shouldn't have said that, or done that. And that certainly can get magnified if you're looking at your actions through a full wine glass (or an empty one). My friend said I toasted her about something that, if true (I'm sure it's true), was not a very supportive thing for me to have done. And that makes me feel badly. I don't like feeling badly.

On the other hand, I remember laughing a LOT, and THAT is a good thing in these intense times. My son made me laugh a LOT last night. I'll have to ask him (again) if I was okay, or if I embarrassed him too much. Wait - that's a loaded question. He's almost 12 - I'm pretty sure just my existing is potentially an embarrassment to him. My husband. I'll ask him. And now I am at the heart of what I want to say. Do we all hold ourselves so tightly together, worried about what others think of us, worried that we'll do or say something 'wrong', that we get obsessive and neurotic (or is that just me? Do you think I'm doing that? Am I okay? Is everything okay? See?)?

I see so many people around me that don't really care what they say or do. Someone once confided something to me and I got a panic attack! They were fine with what they were doing, but I got really nervous other people would find about her secret. I certainly never told anybody, but secrets have a way of getting out. Jill called it the truth serum coming out again (back to my toasting incident), but I strive to be honest always, strive to be the same inside as out. I don't do or say anything that I would be uncomfortable about the whole world knowing (okay, that's not QUITE the total truth - SEE? I tell the truth!), but mostly I do.

Is this about not eating cows and pigs? Is this about my old way of being here in the world, and my realization that I carry around some shame? Is it about wanting to get off that same path and onto a new one that isn't so restrictive? I can hear my friends laughing at me. You are SUCH a free spirit, a bohemian, a rebel, a rule breaker, you march to the beat of your own drum. But I wonder if that's true. Maybe I've just created my own rules and regulations, and keep myself within those imaginary boundaries? Maybe I'm tired of the restrictions. Maybe I shouldn't drink more than one glass of wine at a time. I remember laughing at the road construction barrels on the way home, and the magic of being detoured and finding our way back onto the road a few blocks down the way. Maybe I'm creating my own detour but maybe it's a better idea NOT to try to get back onto the same road. Was I funny last night? I don't know. I forget. I think so. Maybe not. I'll have to ask my friends when they return my many text messages...

Day 7 - Thank you for the complement - but I don't know if it's necessary

As I feel my body asking for less and less animal protein, an ancient fear rears its furry head. Don't vegetarians have to make sure to eat complementary foods, combine certain foods, to unleash their full protein potential? I remember horror stories of pale, black bagged people wandering zombielike, their hair falling out in patches, due to a B12 deficiency. Am I in danger somehow? Are we supposed to eat meat? We have incisors, after all. Maybe not the digestive system of a meat eater - I don't know. Everywhere I look I read conflicting reports.

One website even said that apple cider vinegar was bad bad bad for you (as opposed to all of the websites that say it is good good good for you!). One website had a detailed chart on what green vegetables to pair with which grain, and during which month. I'm either not that smart, or not that dedicated. That seems silly to me. Isn't it just possible to eat what my body craves?

This morning I ate my bucatini noodles, organic spaghetti sauce, fresh corn, broccoli and green beans. Ah - just right. I know, interesting breakfast food, but I was in the mood for it, so I ate it. I also ate watermelon, Rainier cherries, and half an orange. Oh wait - fruit's BAD for you! Which website was that information from?

What's happened to common sense? Thinking for ourselves? Has the natural health industry gotten as bad as Western medicine in just bullying us into doing what THEY say? Then what IS the Truth? Who IS an authority? Is it possible that I can be my own authority? Even if my bloodtype is A positive (I call it A plus), and theoretically I do best as a vegetarian, I may still want some animal protein. I may not. I can't tell yet what my body is going to want tomorrow.

I shy away from vitamins and supplements because I still think it's possible to EAT everything you need, in the form of nourishment. People say you can't - we live in too toxic an environment. So I do the ion cleanse every other day and call it good (oh, DISGUSTING again, by the way - thanks for asking). I make sure to have a huge variety of fresh food in the fridge as well as solid staples in my pantry. In fact, I'm quite certain we could live for 5 years on what we've got stocked up in the pantry.

Hubby got home from a weeklong trip and saw a big empty box on the floor in the kitchen (I know, I'm not buying anything more, right? But this purchase was done BEFORE I'd made the commitment). "What did you get?" he asked, nicely, but warily - I buy a lot of things.

"20 packages of bucatini," I answer.

"No, really," he says.

"Really really," I say, and show him the large stack of blue packs sitting neatly in the pasta section of my shelves.

"Wow," he says. I'm not quite sure what that means, so I'm adding, "don't buy any more pasta until we eat what we've got" to my list of what I won't buy until 2012. Also on that list: shower soap, lipstick, pens, paper, books, and blankets. Food combining? I don't think it's necessary, but I'm still not quite sure, so I'll keep researching it for a while, pondering the possibilities as I munch on my organic apple.

Day 6 - Running at the Speed of Change

What happens when you're used to driving down the same road day after day and one day the road is closed? Do you feel nervous not to have the same landmarks? Does it make you a little scared not to be surrounded by familiarity? What if the road closed because it was not the best road for you to be on? Can you trust there's a better Path for you? I don't know. I think that's true.

I fear change. Kind of. I LOVE spiritual change, and am a Goddess Warrior when it comes to opening up and expanding and plunging the depths of human experience, for sure, but changes here on the physical plane? Not so much. I'm used to buying whatever I want, eating whatever I want, doing whatever I want. Business as usual. So when I made that first major decision over a week ago, it was the cosmic Road Closed Sign for me. My usual MO? Sneak AROUND the roadblock and keep using the road. Go a block or two around, then try to get back onto the road. But that defeats the purpose of finding a new Way, doesn't it? But nobody can MAKE you make those permanent changes - it has to come from YOU or it just won't cut it. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Or is that just me? So I'm curious about everything. That helps me branch out to find my new Way.

Yesterday I felt restless. When I usually feel restless, I cyber shop, or go on Facebook, or watch a movie, or read, or go for a walk. Anything to distract me from that uncomfortable feeling. Wait - what WAS the feeling? I had to stop everything (especially my crazy loud monkey mind screeching at me) and figure out exactly WHAT I was feeling. Ah - there it is - loneliness. Why? I don't know. No particular reason. So I thought, what would happen if I just SAT with that feeling for a while instead of running away? What if I just meditate and see what comes up? So I did.

Sitting cross-legged in my favorite easy chair in the front room, I put on Hemi-Sync, a groovy cool CD of spiritual awesomeness, close my eyes and just take a few deep breaths. I look around my inner landscape and wait. At first, nothing. Then I hear my small inner voice saying, "You really need to give up that refined sugar." Oh great, I think, CRAP! Must I give up everything fun? One of my best friends Shirley said, "If you also give up wine, chocolate AND sugar, I'm calling you Jesus" so I'm quite sure I started laughing when this new edict came to me. But still - stay curious and open. Okay, I say. And I wait some more. The inner voice pipes up again (chatty little bugger): "Oh, and you need to commit to doing this every day." That's easy - okay. I wait some more. "Oh, and you need to not worry about things anymore." Okay, that's about enough, Inner Voice, I think - can I just work on one thing at a time. Give your Higher Self an inch and he'll surely take a cosmic mile. But oh well - it gives me more things to ponder.

I tell Shirley about the whole sugar thing. She starts to laugh. "See? I told you so - Jesus..." But I explained that it made sense to me. Here's the deal: cows and pigs are part of my 'wrong road' because they are dense and a low frequency, but... so is refined sugar. So by still eating the white stuff I'm effectively just sneaking around that roadblock to travel the same road, and that's something I'm committed to changing permanently. The only way to effect change is to.....change. I know, it's brilliant the way I come up with these epiphanies.

So while I'm noticing that I'm still running away from that concept of Deep and Permanent Change, I also feel that I'm more open this time, more committed and interested in doing things in a better way for me. Not for everyone - just me. Because in the end we're the only ones who can make those changes for ourselves, even if we want to wave a magic wand. Even if we want to wave OUR magic wands to change others. We can only walk down our chosen Paths, and if we don't like the path we're on, we have the power to change it. I know that's true, and I'm excited to see where this new Path leads.

Day 5 - Where's the Beef? Swirling down the sink, obviously...

I own an Ion Cleanse machine. I used to think they were a big joke, fake, totally NOT able to work. Until I actually TRIED it. Some things you just have to experience for yourself. I became a believer. So much, in fact, that faced with the knowledge that nobody within a 200 mile radius owned a REAL one (you can get cheap Chinese knockoffs for $100, but run the highly probably risk of shock as you become the ground for the machine that you place in water - not a good idea), I committed thousands of dollars (I won't say the exact amount because then my husband may find out how much it REALL cost, and that would not be a good thing in my world) and bought one.

Here is the theory: everyone knows how good a shower feels, or standing in front of a waterfall, or the ocean. Why? Because the movement of the water releases negative ions, which help your body detox by soaking into your body, bonding with the positive ions, and creating an aura of healing around your body. Okay, that sounded really hokey and stupid, but it's something like that, except with the ion cleanse the low-grade electrical current that runs through the machine into the water, then up through the bottoms of your feet, help pull the toxins back out through your feet, causing the water to turn all sorts of nasty. The nastier the better, I always say.

So this morning I woke up knowing I wanted to do the ion cleanse, wanting to see if my no cows no pigs decision would affect the outcome of the ion cleanse water. I sat in the warm water for 22 minutes, reading my latest Mary Karr, not thinking about what was happening below me. Then it happened. Let me first explain that I have little to no sense of smell. I don't know why. I think it's mainly because I just don't concentrate on it or something. It could have something to do with childhood allergies, or maybe some disease called No Smell Things in my Nose. Not sure. All I know is that at that moment somewhere around the 19 minute mark, the aroma of old bacon grease mixed with motor oil and skunk reached my nostrils, and I cried out an automatic "Whew!" and started waving my Mary Karr over the tub. I looked down. EW. The water was BLACK (I kid you not - why would I lie about that?) and rust foam and white cloudy fatty crap was floating on top, and I started laughing.

It is my suspicion that my body truly realizes I am committed to this cleansing process and is now releasing the old cow/pig toxins from my body. I've seen it with my ion cleanse clients and know it's true. If we continue to put unhealthy things into our body, it has to continually gird itself against us so doesn't have time to maintain a healthy flow of energy throughout. It's just trying to survive the slow self-destruction we're subjecting it to.

How do I feel at this moment? I feel a sun glowing softly in my midsection; it is wide open, a green field with little wildflowers (corny? Yes, but it is how I feel right now). I am happy. I am singing and bouncy and almost giddy. I'm excited for life, even with these current emotional intensities and shifts and changes. I don't care! I can handle anything that comes around the bend! I can type with a lot of exclamation points because I'm THAT happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did this all start a week ago when I made that decision? Maybe. But I think it's more the ENERGY behind the decision that started the large wheels turning. I could've decided to give up coffee, or chocolate, and maybe had the same outcomes. I don't know. I don't care. All I know is that I'm feeling this deepness inside of me and even if I'm falling into it, I like the falling. It feels right. Where will I end up? I have no idea. Maybe I'll just keep falling back into myself, back into my Life.

Day 4 - No Jacket Required (obviously NOT)

This may be my last day of counting things. I think I get it. But before I stop, I'm going to count all of my jackets. I think I'm going to be horrified. A neighbor told me he owns one jacket. ONE JACKET. I own enough jackets for each day of the month, twice over, but we shall see in a moment.

I can't seem to stop eating vegetables and carbohydrates. I don't feel like even eating cheese or eggs anymore. Yesterday I felt kind of loopy (no jokes please) and foggy-headed but I'm still going to keep going through this to see if it clears. I've told myself I NEED animal protein to ground me, but I don't know if that's true. It may just be something I've made up. I think there are a lot things we tell ourselves to create a false world that we think is a good one that will make and keep us happy. If I tell myself I NEED a lot of things, then have a lot of things, it can make me feel safe and secure and happy as I look around at my mountains of possessions. I affirm my false reality over and over again. But what happens if that false reality comes crashing down? What if I get "Blazing Saddled" (and no, not the campfire scene)? What if my storefront life comes crashing down to reveal it was only two-dimensional plywood and there is really nothing there except open fields? Wouldn't that be super scary to me? I'd rather tear down those plywood storefronts myself then go about the business of building something real.

I cancelled all of my internet notifications from stores. I returned all of the shoes I'd just bought, for refunds. I took the bottles to recycling. I spent some of my energy actually LIVING my life rather than outwardly racing toward more acquisition. I baked chocolatey chippy cookies. We went to the dog park. I feel calmer. I feel excited, like maybe I'm getting the bigger picture of what's going on for me. I'm thinking maybe I've been brainwashed by the media by believing I'm not good enough if I don't have a lot of money and toys, and that people who are poor just don't work hard enough. I feel more connected, more a 'part of' than I think I've ever felt. I look around at the rest of the world and feel even more tender toward everyone. I don't feel better than anyone anymore, just because, well, I don't even know WHY I'd ever felt better than anyone else, but I just don't feel that so much anymore.

I'm craving beans, and rice, and fresh new potatoes and asparagus, and juicy watermelon and soft fuzzy raspberries. I'm craving the warm sun on my face and my puppy's sweet face. I'm thinking it's time to go count my jackets. I am NOT looking forward to this, but remember, people - knowledge IS power. I'll think of it as my empowering time: if this is triple digits I may lie to you. Just so you know. I shall return...

Okay, 38 jackets. So that's not as bad as I thought, but again I don't have just ONE of anything. I have TWO goddess sweatshirts, TWO Harvard sweatshirts, TWO suede jackets, TWO pea coats, THREE trenchcoats. Do you understand now? I think I have a multiplying problem. Maybe I don't have too much of things, just too many of each of my things. If so, then THAT'S the core I need to swim to, if I have the courage. I think I have the courage. If I don't get to the beginning of all of this, nothing changes.

Day 3 - It's a Really Big Shoe, Folks

Okay, shoe counting day. I'm nervous. More than nervous. Why? Because yesterday after I finished my purse counting I found 5 more bags stashed around the house; I even found one in the garage! What will this shoe day bring? I've decided to count all shoes, even my men's white Sorel boots I only wear for sledding. Am I ready? In a minute, but let's talk about what it's like to live in our bodies and on this earth and in the United States and with a fair amount of financial abundance. We can have more stuff than we need to survive. I keep remembering the documentaries I've seen of people in Africa that only own one outfit. They live in dirt huts and have almost nothing. No, their lives aren't easy, but why do I feel the need to have a lot of 'things', so much so that all weighs me down when I think about it? I sit and feel what that feels like, and I think I don't want to miss out on anything. If someone owns a cute bag, I feel like I'm missing out on a delicious part of life if I also don't own it. I also am guilty of what I call being a Country Club Woman. She is the one who has the wardrobe to dress expensively and walk confidently down the street. It's an energy thing. Sure, I only have ONE CCW outfit, but I certainly don't NEED those outer trappings to make me feel confident. It's an illusion, and I'm tired of illusions. I want only the Real Deal, whatever that will come to mean to me.

I look at my closet full of four Buffs and wonder why I ever even got one in the first place. Because my nephew had one, and he's super cool, and it looked super cool wrapped around his wrist, so if I buy one I'll be super cool. Super. Except he's only 18. I go onto the website and figure if one is good, 4 must be better. What would happen if I lost the one? Then I wouldn't have anything. Which is what I'd had 5 minutes ago, and I was fine. But now I KNOW about these miraculous Buffs and I KNOW my life will be better if I have some. My life will ALWAYS keep getting better the more stuff I own because one day then I'll own everything in the world and I will be one with the Universe (or something like that).

It makes no sense as I sit here and plunge the depths of my Susie Logic, yet somehow it does. It's not how I want to view life or ME anymore, though, so while I guess being conscious is the first step, action is the second step. So I prepare for the shoe count as I walk slowly upstairs, camera in hand. Will I need a calculator for this? I have no idea what I'll find because I have no idea what I've got. Hang on. I'll be back in an hour or so...this may take a while.

I'm back. I'm embarrassed. I'm horrified. Over 40 pair of shoes, but I'm sure some saw me coming and hid behind the boots. I used to only own 12 pair of shoes total. It's too much, and I think I just have too much of everything. I think my life is too large for me, but that's a story for another day.

Day 2 - Purse-onally Speaking...

I took all three of my credit cards out of my wallet and stored them in a super secret place. When the mail came, I separated the good stuff (one letter) from the bad stuff (everything else), glancing at the catalogues (oh, the new Talbot's!), but then taking a deep breath and just throwing everything in the garbage. Okay, that wasn't so bad. I opened my computer and looked at my e-mails. Oh, Nieman Marcus, Zappo's, Bergdorf Goodman, Bag Borrow or Steal! Can I just sneak a peak at the new colorblocking trend? No. No is no. I quickly delete all the notifications and wonder what this means. It's a subtle shift from being externally focused on what I need to being internally focused on who I Am. There IS a distinct difference, and it feels like a water faucet being turned off. What is this water that thinks it has to flow on to everything in the known world rather than just filling the basin in the backyard to water our flowers? It's an impossible task, this thought that I can acquire a whole world of earthly possessions. I am going to go count my handbags so you have an idea of what I'm up against. Hang on, I'll be right back.

Okay, I have 16 handbags, not counting my Louis Vuitton tote bag and one Timbuktu messenger bag. That's a lot of handbags; thank heavens I already gave away those 10 other bags or it would really be pathetic. Do you see the dilemma? I'm more interested in WHY I think I need to keep buying more handbags, shoes, jewelry, jackets and clothes. I obviously don't NEED them (I think a shoe count for tomorrow is in order) - what energy is beneath this that feels that I have to have them? I'm not sure yet. I turn toward my new goal of not eating any more cows or pigs. In fact, all day yesterday and today so far I haven't wanted to eat ANY kind of animal protein. The thought makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach. I don't know why, but I trust it. I also don't know why I had a craving for Special K bars last night, or why I actually made them then ate 3 (hey - I cut the pan into 24 pieces so it's not THAT bad). Is this my idea of self-sabotage, an attempt to keep my frequency low by ingesting unhealthy things. Have I simply swapped cows and pigs for sugar? If so, does that mean I should eliminate chocolate and sugar, as well? No, do not ask me to do that. But maybe I can practice moderation. Maybe I can allow myself one small Special K bar a day.

Maybe that's the core of everything here - I'm not very good at moderation. It's usually all or....all. Frankly there's usually not much in between full out and all out in my life. One of my best friends said I live a loud life. She meant it as a compliment, and while I love living a full life, I don't necessarily know if 'loud' is always a good thing. We need quiet. We need time away from the distractions of the physical life. We need to be in our bodies, with our bodies, without demanding movement and action. I take a deep breath and purposefully slow my mind down, tuning in to how my body feels now. Different? I have a slight headache. I want some coffee. I want another Special K bar. I want to take a nap. Movement? Yes, I definitely feel it. Scared? Sort of - but it's okay. It's a good kind of scared.

And we're off! Day 1 - No Pigs

Okay, actually I'm on Day 3 of No Cows, and still trying to set up the "No Problems" parameters. Here's the deal: how often do we know what we WANT to do, yet never quite manage to DO it! If I can't do it 100% I don't want to start. But that's not how life works. I think we ease into change, and only if it works for us. Only if it makes sense to us. I've felt blocked in some areas of my life for about three years. I can say it started right when Mom died, and that's probably partly true, but it goes beyond that. I've always been a consumer, a Super Consumer, even, and it's just not working for me anymore. It's becoming a boring distraction, and that's where the No Problems comes in. Yesterday I had this thought: I bet I would go for a whole year without buying anything unnecessary and still be just fine. Actually I could probably for the rest of my life and be just fine not buying any more unnecessary things. But then the thought comes in: what is unnecessary.

So please allow me to fine tune that for the next week or so - you can join me down the path if you like. How can I even think about not buying anything? I think it's the cow's fault. Or the LACK of cow in my body. I dedicated the next week to not eating any red meat, and while I've gone months at a time without eating any red meat, for some reason when I'm conscious about it this time I can feel some stirrings inside me, and it's not from the heavy meat sitting in my colon. I wanted to start out slowly - eliminate cow, then drop the pig in a week or two, but I decided today to drop the pig as well. So there we go!

Is my decision to stop buying clothes, jackets, shoes and jewelry related to my decision to stop eating cows and pigs? I don't know, but I'm interested enough to keep exploring it and see where I go, see what I discover, and maybe you can walk with me down this path to Health Land. Day One - it's good! Hummus and tabbouleh and whole wheat naan for dinner. Why? Because it sounds good. Pass the lemon juice, please.