I'm feeling whelmed these days. Yes, it's a word. I wondered one day: if you can be underwhelmed or overwhelmed, can you be whelmed? It actually means the same as overwhelmed, which means the boat comes up the side of the boat and over the top. What are these feelings? They are good. Opening up a package from my sweet friend Tami and finding a beautiful picture frame and kitchen magnet that says "kissed on both cheeks" and finding myself moved by her generosity and friendship. I take a deep breath and let the feeling overtake me. Sitting on the couch, hearing my dear son in the next room talking to a friend, I breathe and just sit listening to him, loving him so much my heart starts to hurt.
I am present. I am not distracted these days. Not looking at catalogues or websites (okay, I will not lie - Garnet Hill has this ADORABLE little rosette dress that I desperately want, so I snuck a quick peek at it today for one minute but didn't buy it) has shifted my energy from being so outward acquisition-oriented to more inner focused. I could feel myself shifting outward again when I looked at that dress and daydreamed about what boots I'd wear with it, where I would wear it, how everyone would say how cute I looked. This is a drug - this is brainwashing, I think - this materialism. It is deceptive and devious, lulling us with promises of happiness that are vapid and shallow and ultimately meaningless. It sucks the hours out of my days, the energy from my being. I sound dramatic but I think it's true.
I give myself one minute on Garnet Hill then snap off without going further. At least it's a step. It's like alcoholism, I think. You think you can take just one sip and it will be okay, you can stop, but I think it's hard to stop unless you just don't start again. I don't need that dress. I need my son. I need my friends. I need to sit quietly and do my yoga (101 Yoga Poses on my iPhone = dreamy!). I need to dig out my sports bra and yoga pants and go to Zumba at the Y on Monday. We already belong - it won't cost me any more money!
How much is free in this world? So much the water is flowing over my edges again. There's not enough time for everything as it is - why bother with the costly things - go for the FREE! I think that is my new motto - I'm going to write it up and stick it on our bathroom mirror and hope Hubby doesn't think I'm too goofy. I'm going to keep walking my wild child puppy and enjoy watching her climb trees to scare the squirrels. I'm going to keep baking fresh peach cobbler and I'm going to keep going to the library to read my library books (after I finish reading every book in my personal library). I'm going to find the free and do it. Bike riding, playing my cello, writing with my son, holding hands with my husband.
It IS whelming, but it's all so very very good and I want these things in my life. As I drop the cows and pigs, moving toward dropping other animals out of my diet, and as I drop the balances from my credit cards I leave room for other thoughts, other feelings, other energies and options for my life. Maybe this is what I've been missing my whole life - going deep not wide. Going real not fake. I can feel it. I really can. I'm going for the FREE!
Thanks Susie. . .I GET it. That's huge, because I thought you were just going through a mid-life crisis, but after reading all of these in their entirety, I GET it! It's not about BEING a vegetarian or BEING a reformed shop-a-holic, or BEING a hero of some sort, it's about BECOMING the best you can be, one day at a time. Good for you that you are focused and on your way. I will be here cheering you on. {hugs}
ReplyDeleteFor me, it's also about become WHOLE by slowing down, getting to the Core of everything, then becoming more conscious. If we stay on automatic, nothing changes, and I really am feeling the need for some permanent change. This makes sense to me, the way I'm doing it. Thank you, my friend - hopefully my life gives you inspiration for yours :)
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