Day 6 - Running at the Speed of Change

What happens when you're used to driving down the same road day after day and one day the road is closed? Do you feel nervous not to have the same landmarks? Does it make you a little scared not to be surrounded by familiarity? What if the road closed because it was not the best road for you to be on? Can you trust there's a better Path for you? I don't know. I think that's true.

I fear change. Kind of. I LOVE spiritual change, and am a Goddess Warrior when it comes to opening up and expanding and plunging the depths of human experience, for sure, but changes here on the physical plane? Not so much. I'm used to buying whatever I want, eating whatever I want, doing whatever I want. Business as usual. So when I made that first major decision over a week ago, it was the cosmic Road Closed Sign for me. My usual MO? Sneak AROUND the roadblock and keep using the road. Go a block or two around, then try to get back onto the road. But that defeats the purpose of finding a new Way, doesn't it? But nobody can MAKE you make those permanent changes - it has to come from YOU or it just won't cut it. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Or is that just me? So I'm curious about everything. That helps me branch out to find my new Way.

Yesterday I felt restless. When I usually feel restless, I cyber shop, or go on Facebook, or watch a movie, or read, or go for a walk. Anything to distract me from that uncomfortable feeling. Wait - what WAS the feeling? I had to stop everything (especially my crazy loud monkey mind screeching at me) and figure out exactly WHAT I was feeling. Ah - there it is - loneliness. Why? I don't know. No particular reason. So I thought, what would happen if I just SAT with that feeling for a while instead of running away? What if I just meditate and see what comes up? So I did.

Sitting cross-legged in my favorite easy chair in the front room, I put on Hemi-Sync, a groovy cool CD of spiritual awesomeness, close my eyes and just take a few deep breaths. I look around my inner landscape and wait. At first, nothing. Then I hear my small inner voice saying, "You really need to give up that refined sugar." Oh great, I think, CRAP! Must I give up everything fun? One of my best friends Shirley said, "If you also give up wine, chocolate AND sugar, I'm calling you Jesus" so I'm quite sure I started laughing when this new edict came to me. But still - stay curious and open. Okay, I say. And I wait some more. The inner voice pipes up again (chatty little bugger): "Oh, and you need to commit to doing this every day." That's easy - okay. I wait some more. "Oh, and you need to not worry about things anymore." Okay, that's about enough, Inner Voice, I think - can I just work on one thing at a time. Give your Higher Self an inch and he'll surely take a cosmic mile. But oh well - it gives me more things to ponder.

I tell Shirley about the whole sugar thing. She starts to laugh. "See? I told you so - Jesus..." But I explained that it made sense to me. Here's the deal: cows and pigs are part of my 'wrong road' because they are dense and a low frequency, but... so is refined sugar. So by still eating the white stuff I'm effectively just sneaking around that roadblock to travel the same road, and that's something I'm committed to changing permanently. The only way to effect change is to.....change. I know, it's brilliant the way I come up with these epiphanies.

So while I'm noticing that I'm still running away from that concept of Deep and Permanent Change, I also feel that I'm more open this time, more committed and interested in doing things in a better way for me. Not for everyone - just me. Because in the end we're the only ones who can make those changes for ourselves, even if we want to wave a magic wand. Even if we want to wave OUR magic wands to change others. We can only walk down our chosen Paths, and if we don't like the path we're on, we have the power to change it. I know that's true, and I'm excited to see where this new Path leads.