Why I SHOULD eat cows and pigs...

I am becoming too dang clear. I'm waking up too much, and in this calming down in my intestinal tract and house, the other factors are now floating up into my awareness. Too many thoughts! Too many feelings! Now I'm understanding why I've kept myself distracted with material things, and why I've kept myself blocked and dense with red meat and pork - it's SO much easier to get through my days! Is this what it's like to be a recovering alcoholic? You drink to fuzz out, forget, distract, then you wake up, sober up, face your life, and you're like, "Whuh? I get to now FEEL my feelings, deal with them, work with them? Uh, no thank you... guzzle guzzle guzzle (or buy buy buy, chew chew chew).

I guess it's all the same, just different. Whether it's alcohol, smoking, pop, drugs, chocolate, shopping, sex, gambling, exercise, internet. An addiction is a distraction, a trying to run away, a filling up of an endless black hole of the illusion of lack. I made a decision, I've stuck with it, and now I'm seeing (for the first time in a long time, maybe forever?) that I've got 'issues'. I love that word - I coined a phrase around it - "I need tissues for my issues" - classic. True. I guess they aren't issues so much as just feelings. Right now I feel shaky inside, very emotional. Seeing my puppy lying there with her little paw stretched out can move me to tears if I look at her long enough - it's so sweet. But instead I take a deep breath and choose to be excited about this new, awake, me. I feel like Neo getting unplugged and feeling the shock of waking up from a lifelong dream. I feel like Alice wandering in Wonderland, I feel superhuman almost, not quite from around here, and no, that is not a new feeling for me. But this is something deeper. I am letting this feeling, this energy, keep dropping into my Core. I have no expectations, I don't even quite know what I'm saying, I'm just going where it all leads, off the same path, away from the orange barrels and road construction and detours. I'm off-road, energetically speaking, and it feels really full to me. Fuller than my closet of shoes, fuller than my hooks of handbags, or my shelves of jackets. Maybe that's what I was trying to duplicate. The fullness of my Being. But you can't get that with material things - as Antoine Ste. du Expery says, "What is essential is invisible to the eye." Thank you, Little Prince. I think I'm beginning to get it now.

I don't want to start eating cows and pigs again. I think I'm going to like being awake.