
This may be my last day of counting things. I think I get it. But before I stop, I'm going to count all of my jackets. I think I'm going to be horrified. A neighbor told me he owns one jacket. ONE JACKET. I own enough jackets for each day of the month, twice over, but we shall see in a moment.
I can't seem to stop eating vegetables and carbohydrates. I don't feel like even eating cheese or eggs anymore. Yesterday I felt kind of loopy (no jokes please) and foggy-headed but I'm still going to keep going through this to see if it clears. I've told myself I NEED animal protein to ground me, but I don't know if that's true. It may just be something I've made up. I think there are a lot things we tell ourselves to create a false world that we think is a good one that will make and keep us happy. If I tell myself I NEED a lot of things, then have a lot of things, it can make me feel safe and secure and happy as I look around at my mountains of possessions. I affirm my false reality over and over again. But what happens if that false reality comes crashing down? What if I get "Blazing Saddled" (and no, not the campfire scene)? What if my storefront life comes crashing down to reveal it was only two-dimensional plywood and there is really nothing there except open fields? Wouldn't that be super scary to me? I'd rather tear down those plywood storefronts myself then go about the business of building something real.
I cancelled all of my internet notifications from stores. I returned all of the shoes I'd just bought, for refunds. I took the bottles to recycling. I spent some of my energy actually LIVING my life rather than outwardly racing toward more acquisition. I baked chocolatey chippy cookies. We went to the dog park. I feel calmer. I feel excited, like maybe I'm getting the bigger picture of what's going on for me. I'm thinking maybe I've been brainwashed by the media by believing I'm not good enough if I don't have a lot of money and toys, and that people who are poor just don't work hard enough. I feel more connected, more a 'part of' than I think I've ever felt. I look around at the rest of the world and feel even more tender toward everyone. I don't feel better than anyone anymore, just because, well, I don't even know WHY I'd ever felt better than anyone else, but I just don't feel that so much anymore.
I'm craving beans, and rice, and fresh new potatoes and asparagus, and juicy watermelon and soft fuzzy raspberries. I'm craving the warm sun on my face and my puppy's sweet face. I'm thinking it's time to go count my jackets. I am NOT looking forward to this, but remember, people - knowledge IS power. I'll think of it as my empowering time: if this is triple digits I may lie to you. Just so you know. I shall return...
Okay, 38 jackets. So that's not as bad as I thought, but again I don't have just ONE of anything. I have TWO goddess sweatshirts, TWO Harvard sweatshirts, TWO suede jackets, TWO pea coats, THREE trenchcoats. Do you understand now? I think I have a multiplying problem. Maybe I don't have too much of things, just too many of each of my things. If so, then THAT'S the core I need to swim to, if I have the courage. I think I have the courage. If I don't get to the beginning of all of this, nothing changes.
Dang!!! :-) Guess who is going to go through the coat closet this weekend. I know I have a couple for each season. Do wind shirts count because I have 4 of those: one for the Redhawks, one for the Boston Red Sox's, one for the NDSU Bison. See the theme? Oh yeah, one for work (maybe that doesn't count. I never wear it anyway.) But I have the formula down; clear out what I haven't worn for a year and then when I purchase something, I have to give something away. Not just something but a related item. Thanks for the inspiration Susie!
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