Hi my name is Susie and I'm a __________

Fill in the blank. We've all got something we could probably go to a 12 Step meeting for. Think about it. I just finished reading "Fly Away Home" by Jennifer Weiner - yes, heavy summer reading, but it was (partly) about one daughter who was addicted to drugs and another who was addicted to a man. The one was always the 'good' one who never did anything wrong, so looked down her nose at the drug-addicted sister until she experienced addiction herself. One day at a time. HALT - ask yourself are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? I've long thought we were all addicted to something because we all felt less than whole, and ran toward something we thought could fill us up. It never does, because what we're searching for can't be found in the outside world. But we have to figure that out for ourselves.

I was looking around the house this morning, curious as to how not only stop the money flow OUT of my hands, but also maybe turn it around backwards and get some money for things we don't need and could sell. Seriously, there is so much we could sell on eBay or some monstrously cool garage sale. Seriously.

"You always say you're going to quit spending money, then you stop for a while, then start again."

My husband's words shock me. Hadn't I been doing well these past few weeks? Hadn't I stopped spending money (okay, we're still working on our HuHot issues)? Hadn't I made it clear that THIS time I MEANT it? I have to admit. He has a point. In the past I HAVE always said I wanted to do it, but have always ended up sliding back into the credit card allure of shiny objects. So what makes him think this time I may be doing something different? Well, because I AM. But isn't that what every addict says? Promises that 'this time it will be different?'

I'm in a quandary, then. I told him, "I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, then, and we'll just have to see." Fair enough. But then how do we EVER make changes if nobody trusts us to make positive changes permanent? What if we all continue to see each other's failings without ever believing anything can be different? CAN we make different choices? I don't know - I still am not eating cows or pigs, and it's been a while now. I still haven't looked at any catalogues or e-mails about sales, or websites. I haven't bought anything unnecessary. A day at a time.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

So in every moment I can look at myself and ask myself, "What can I change? What can I do differently?" I can have faith in myself, believing that I'm doing the best that I can, in every moment. I can do something differently tomorrow if I don't like what I did today. I can choose to keep NOT eating cows or pigs. I can choose to NOT spend money. I can choose to be happy with what I've got. I can choose to be happy, period. So that's what I choose. Is it possible to change? Yes, I believe it is, but that change has got to come from the very Source, nothing less will do, so I keep swimming back to Source, trusting that I'll know when I get there, and trusting I'll know what to do next.