swing swing swingety swing

I bend over my toddler and lock my hands beneath her knees, then lift her up. I start swinging her back and forth, singing, "Swing swing swingety swing." Such fun to have a makeshift swing, anywhere, any time! Back and forth, feel the air on your face, your tummy lurch just a little as you switch positions from one extreme to the other.

Life is my mother bending over me, her hands locking beneath my knees. I feel myself lifted off the ground, and feel the movement in my days as I swing back and forth. Sometimes I'm nauseous, sometimes motion sick, sometimes altitude sick. Sometimes just confused. There are so many options. There are so many things to think, things to do, things to feel, friends to talk to, dishes to be washed, surfaces to be dusted. I sit here in my chair, doing nothing. Well, I'm thinking. That is not always a good thing.

I take a breath. As I continue to sink deeper into my life, I'm slowed down enough to actually look around at the seaweed, little shells, fish swimming by or just lounging in front me, tails lazily treading. I can see the murky green little bits floating in the water, if I squint I can see parts of the sandy bottom, and shadows darting through the weeds. I don't like the shadows. I can't see what they are.

I like to KNOW things. That is where being an intuitive comes in quite handy. But sometimes we just don't know. So we search for answers in our outside world to explain everything. I think we are at a point in our evolution where most things just CAN'T be explained or understood on the outside. They have to be felt and experienced from the INSIDE.

I just don't know. I understand more of why I seek distraction. Life is messy. It's not clear cut. I like rewards, treats, breaks, distractions, disconnects. Only not so much anymore, because I've chosen clarity, simplicity, stripping away the clutter to uncover what's underneath. So far I still don't know what's underneath; I seem to be still in the process of stripping down to the basics. It still feels like a lot of 'stuff', physically, mentally, emotionally. Spiritually I'm good. That's always been easy for me. It's the life living stuff that's more difficult. I don't always 'get' it. Why isn't everything easy? Why isn't everybody nice to everyone else? Why can't we all take responsibility for our happiness and our well-being? Why do people blame others for their unhappiness? I feel my consciousness dive deeper as I hold my breath for the long plunge ahead. I keep thinking I will get to the bottom of it all some day, but I think perhaps there is no bottom - just more swimming deep.

Swing swing. Back and forth. I need to just sit for a moment, clear my head. Man, it's a mess in there sometimes, even without the cows and pigs and sugar and handbags. A friend once told me my mind is a raging river, never stopping. I don't know if that's a compliment or an exhausted observation. Maybe both. I breathe. I sit. I observe. Even if I'm swinging, I can be in the present moment, experiencing the swinging sensations, feeling the wind through my hair, the blur of my life as it flies back and forth in front of my vision. Swinging isn't necessarily bad - maybe it's more of a figuring where you want to be in the moment, looking at different places, enjoying the ride.