Oh brother, Mother

I've been a mother for almost 26 years now. When I was a child, I thought there were three types of people: men, women, and mothers. I honestly thought they were a different species, void of feeling, needs, opinions. I thought they lived to serve us children. I have always wanted children, since I was 7 years old. I love my kids. They have my whole heart. I think about them, worry about them, care for them, take care of them, love them, laugh with them, praise them.

I dropped my 11 year old off today at middle school. As he slammed the door and walked confidently toward the door, I felt my eyes tear up and breathed in the emotion instead of laughing it away. It surprised me, this reaction. After all, he'd bee in school for 5 years already, it wasn't like this was NEW. But I decided to follow the thread of my feelings as I drove away. I felt a big hole open in the middle of my body, and felt a rush of air as my whole life flew through me. I felt myself as a young child, then a teenager, then as a young mother, to now, and on to being a grandmother, growing old, then dying.

I felt as if I were falling as I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to hang on. I stayed with the feeling all the way home, but immediately after slamming the garage door felt a HUGE pull to go to my computer and buy everything I could see. I DESERVE that Chanel 2.55 bag, I NEED that beautiful leather couch for our house in Bismarck, I NEED that fire pit in the backyard - I'll call the concrete guy today. The hole in my stomach opened wider and I looked down into the abyss and saw no end. So I decided just to sit with it all.

"Hello, body - sup?"

"Uhm, uncomfortable here - duh..."

"What is it that you need? I see that you're in some pain. I want to help."

"Well, I would like to get outside in the green and the breezes. And I would like to stretch. Oh, and while we're at it, I'd like to lift some weights."

So I snapped the leash onto my wild child puppy and headed outside. I matched my stride as much as possible to my wiry dog and followed my breath - in out in out. I looked up at the sky, up at the trees, not down at my feet. They know what they're doing. Is this getting any easier, this not spending money? Well, it's easier to not eat cows or pigs, I'll tell you that, although there WAS that perilous bacon temptation moment a few days ago.

I wonder if this is changing my life, really, or if I'm just deluding myself again, pretending to do some oh so cool stuff. I look around my house. It's still messy. But at least I'm not bringing anything NEW into it, and my credit card balances aren't going UP anymore. So if the water isn't totally stopped, at least it isn't overflowing anymore. That's something.

I stir my lentil curry soup and let the smell of onion and garlic soak into my consciousness. I slice the artisan whole grain bread and place the warm slabs on each of our plates. I cut the local watermelon into three big slices and put them on the table. I am so rich, I think, this life of mine. Full of abundance. I have three beautiful children, a beautiful husband, a beautiful home, beautiful Work, beautiful clothes, a beautiful backyard, beautiful health, beautiful beautiful. Do I like this new life? Do I like me? Do I even like being with me in this 100% way? These are questions I'll have to keep asking, but I DO know one thing for sure: I really don't want to eat cows or pigs anymore. As for the rest of it - we'll just have to see.