I took all three of my credit cards out of my wallet and stored them in a super secret place. When the mail came, I separated the good stuff (one letter) from the bad stuff (everything else), glancing at the catalogues (oh, the new Talbot's!), but then taking a deep breath and just throwing everything in the garbage. Okay, that wasn't so bad. I opened my computer and looked at my e-mails. Oh, Nieman Marcus, Zappo's, Bergdorf Goodman, Bag Borrow or Steal! Can I just sneak a peak at the new colorblocking trend? No. No is no. I quickly delete all the notifications and wonder what this means. It's a subtle shift from being externally focused on what I need to being internally focused on who I Am. There IS a distinct difference, and it feels like a water faucet being turned off. What is this water that thinks it has to flow on to everything in the known world rather than just filling the basin in the backyard to water our flowers? It's an impossible task, this thought that I can acquire a whole world of earthly possessions. I am going to go count my handbags so you have an idea of what I'm up against. Hang on, I'll be right back.
Okay, I have 16 handbags, not counting my Louis Vuitton tote bag and one Timbuktu messenger bag. That's a lot of handbags; thank heavens I already gave away those 10 other bags or it would really be pathetic. Do you see the dilemma? I'm more interested in WHY I think I need to keep buying more handbags, shoes, jewelry, jackets and clothes. I obviously don't NEED them (I think a shoe count for tomorrow is in order) - what energy is beneath this that feels that I have to have them? I'm not sure yet. I turn toward my new goal of not eating any more cows or pigs. In fact, all day yesterday and today so far I haven't wanted to eat ANY kind of animal protein. The thought makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach. I don't know why, but I trust it. I also don't know why I had a craving for Special K bars last night, or why I actually made them then ate 3 (hey - I cut the pan into 24 pieces so it's not THAT bad). Is this my idea of self-sabotage, an attempt to keep my frequency low by ingesting unhealthy things. Have I simply swapped cows and pigs for sugar? If so, does that mean I should eliminate chocolate and sugar, as well? No, do not ask me to do that. But maybe I can practice moderation. Maybe I can allow myself one small Special K bar a day.
Maybe that's the core of everything here - I'm not very good at moderation. It's usually all or....all. Frankly there's usually not much in between full out and all out in my life. One of my best friends said I live a loud life. She meant it as a compliment, and while I love living a full life, I don't necessarily know if 'loud' is always a good thing. We need quiet. We need time away from the distractions of the physical life. We need to be in our bodies, with our bodies, without demanding movement and action. I take a deep breath and purposefully slow my mind down, tuning in to how my body feels now. Different? I have a slight headache. I want some coffee. I want another Special K bar. I want to take a nap. Movement? Yes, I definitely feel it. Scared? Sort of - but it's okay. It's a good kind of scared.
Susie, here's something else to think about. Can you reduce the amount of leather goods you purchase? After all, they come from cows, pigs, deer, etc. I have been working on this, example: our car seats had to be made of cloth versus leather; no leather furniture, etc. Leather shoes are hard because I wear Birkenstock because of my arches and Birks are made with leather, and I have four pairs (two brown, two black). You should hear all my rationalizations and justifications for this :-)
ReplyDeletegood point, Mark. I DO love my leather, but have tried to keep it to a minimum (sort of - see handbag photo). I like it because it's so durable so then I don't have to buy as much because it lasts longer. Yes, rationalizations, for sure...
ReplyDeleteI switched from buying leather, (rarely, as I am that anti-shopper, ya know) to not buying it new, to not buying it at all, and only buying non-animal material. I found out that in India, ironically where a lot of cow leather comes from, the people sell their cows for a pittance, thinking that the cow is going to some Shangri-la, and instead the cow has a long, horrifying trip to an even more horrifying slaughterhouse.
ReplyDeleteWhy do humans think to do such horrific things just for the sake of fashion and convenience? Too much bad energy in that sort of thing. I think of that with food too. What kind of energy was put into my food. They say that you eat the chemicals that the animals felt before they died, the fear, anxiety, loneliness, etc. I don't want any of that bad energy in me.