Stirring the Pot, but no soup for me!

The restlessness came from nowhere. The anger, the frustration, even the feeling of paralyzation, all at once. I can't run to shopping anymore, so I'm stuck. Or not stuck. I kind of don't appreciate any of this. I felt like running this morning, and I don't mean the strap-on-your-shoes-and-take-off kind of running. I mean the get-out-of-here-because-it-feels-uncomfortable kind of running, only there's nowhere to run. So cleaned out my closet. But what I want to say is that I don't know what will happen when I get to Bismarck and have to clean out that house. What's the problem? Everything I will be doing would've had to have been done anyway, it's just that the whole pot/house got stirred up, and everything is in disarray. Interestingly, the things I found most important are safely esconced here in a climate-controlled storage unit. So theoretically I could just haul a dumpster to the driveway and scoop everything into it, right? Only everything is mooshed together. I just don't know.

What would I wish for in my life right now? A clearing, some simplicity, some open breathing space that isn't about cleaning or clutter or clearing. I just want to be 'there', in that place where everything is settled and calm. I've got the makings for it. We're eating 100% healthy now, I'm not spending any unnecessary money, I'm thinking before I spend, sitting with what I have, still malleable and open to change. Will anything REALLY change? When will that tide begin to turn? Is this normal? Am I normal? Will I ever stop asking questions?

I saw an old friend this afternoon and she asked what I was doing. I told her I was going to Bismarck to settle the house, starting a new radio show, writing my blog, teaching a memoirs class, and working on a cookbook. She laughed and said, "Man, you are just never a dull person, are you?" and I laughed, because I was feeling kind of bored and unproductive, like I should be doing MORE. I feel like I'm totally taking a break. THIS is the thing - I think I may be the one stirring my own pot, I'm not sure. I have to check some more variables, but if that's true, then I'm the only one that can do anything to change anything, right? Hmmm... this is all very interesting to me. I think I'll go clean out my library and see if any more insights come to me while I'm looking through old books.