I forget....

Melissa invited us over for a fire in their backyard. I love parties. I took the bottle of wine I bought for OUR backyard party but didn't drink. We sit around. I drink one small (really) glass of wine. It's all good. I start on a second small (really) glass of wine when Melissa's husband gets there. Fine. But by the time Jill and Hannah get there, I think Ray has poured a third small glass (not sure it was small - really), and we all move down from the deck to the firepit, watching a beautiful sunset, complete with lilac sun shining on the underbelly of the puffy clouds.

The kids have all joined us, and we get the s'more sticks out. I remember roasting the perfect marshmallow - light brown all around, no tiki torch burning (carcinogens, you know). I'm quite sure I tell them I can't remember EATING the s'more but I'm certain it's tasty. They pass around a bowl of chocolate covered blueberries - I take a small handful (really), then I can feel that loose take over my arms and legs and I know I need to stop drinking wine. But Ray holds up another bottle with 1/2 inch of wine on the bottom.

"Oh sure," I say, "just hand it to me."

"Don't you want a glass?" he asks.

"Nah," I say. "Why waste a glass?" and neatly swig the last gulp.

I will say at this point that absolutely everything I laugh at, and say, I would say when I have no wine in me. That's my problem. I say things when I'm SOBER that most people only say when they've been drinking. I think the bigger issue for me is that I have these shame issues - I shouldn't have said that, or done that. And that certainly can get magnified if you're looking at your actions through a full wine glass (or an empty one). My friend said I toasted her about something that, if true (I'm sure it's true), was not a very supportive thing for me to have done. And that makes me feel badly. I don't like feeling badly.

On the other hand, I remember laughing a LOT, and THAT is a good thing in these intense times. My son made me laugh a LOT last night. I'll have to ask him (again) if I was okay, or if I embarrassed him too much. Wait - that's a loaded question. He's almost 12 - I'm pretty sure just my existing is potentially an embarrassment to him. My husband. I'll ask him. And now I am at the heart of what I want to say. Do we all hold ourselves so tightly together, worried about what others think of us, worried that we'll do or say something 'wrong', that we get obsessive and neurotic (or is that just me? Do you think I'm doing that? Am I okay? Is everything okay? See?)?

I see so many people around me that don't really care what they say or do. Someone once confided something to me and I got a panic attack! They were fine with what they were doing, but I got really nervous other people would find about her secret. I certainly never told anybody, but secrets have a way of getting out. Jill called it the truth serum coming out again (back to my toasting incident), but I strive to be honest always, strive to be the same inside as out. I don't do or say anything that I would be uncomfortable about the whole world knowing (okay, that's not QUITE the total truth - SEE? I tell the truth!), but mostly I do.

Is this about not eating cows and pigs? Is this about my old way of being here in the world, and my realization that I carry around some shame? Is it about wanting to get off that same path and onto a new one that isn't so restrictive? I can hear my friends laughing at me. You are SUCH a free spirit, a bohemian, a rebel, a rule breaker, you march to the beat of your own drum. But I wonder if that's true. Maybe I've just created my own rules and regulations, and keep myself within those imaginary boundaries? Maybe I'm tired of the restrictions. Maybe I shouldn't drink more than one glass of wine at a time. I remember laughing at the road construction barrels on the way home, and the magic of being detoured and finding our way back onto the road a few blocks down the way. Maybe I'm creating my own detour but maybe it's a better idea NOT to try to get back onto the same road. Was I funny last night? I don't know. I forget. I think so. Maybe not. I'll have to ask my friends when they return my many text messages...